New Year's resolutions

It’s that time of year again, so here’s a few tips to make your new year’s resolutions successful. Group hug!

1)   1)Don’t make them on the first of January. You have the mother of all hangovers, the bank is shut, and all the stocks of romanian orphans have been sold in the boxing day sales. The smart thing would be to wait til February, that way the holidays are over and you have only 11 months til you can start again.

2)  2) Join a facebook group. It’s just like doing the real thing but without the effort. Truly.

3)  3) Recycling is uber cool, why not re do last year’s resolutions. A word of warning her though, only repeat the fun ones or you’ll be stuck with another year of making the world a better place.

4)  4) Split your new year’s resolution with a friend. Sharing is fun. Take the usual new years resolution of eating more healthy food. Split it into 2 manageable portions, my half is to eat more food and leaving the healthy bit to my bestie.

Group hug.

I’m exhausted and it’s not even Christmas day yet!

It sounded like such a good idea in theory; staying on good terms with the ex’s; welcoming new partners, offspring and relatives into the mix; a bit like the Brady bunch or a Christmas cake.

To put it bluntly- the only thing nuclear in this family is Gran’s alcohol laced trifle (that’s my ex partner’s grandmother, as opposed to my grandmother or my ex husband’s grandmother or his new partner’s grandmother or my new partner’s grandmother).

The kids think it’s great (that’s my biological children, my ex husband’s biological children, my ex husband’s partner’s step children, my ex partner’s ex children, my current partner’s.., oh fuck… you know what I mean!), if I’m not up to standard in my motherly duties then there’s always a couple of spares to make up for my inadequacies.

The trouble comes, of course, in the holiday season.

A traditional separated family would have it all sorted out, one half of the day with Mum and one half with Dad, as set out in the custody agreement and set in stone or Nana’s scones, which are of a firmer texture (that’s my Nana by the way, on my mother’s side- I just have the one mum).

The obvious solution seemed to be a get together involving everyone, but the stadium has been booked already and air new Zealand didn’t have a spare plane.

So it’s back to the drawing board for me, while members of more traditional families wait for Christmas day for the family war I’m starting early.

If I play my cards right I’ll be relative free and be sleeping in on the 25^th.

word police

For Feck’s sake fitness industry people, use spell and grammar check!! And a good proofreader!

There’s probably a good reason that we aren’t looked upon as being that smart…

From healthy food guide November issue; teaching us if we don’t sit down too much we can live forever:

“The women who sat for more than 6 hours each day were more likely to die than women who sat for less than 3 hours each day”

And a gym testimonial from a member who was obviously bored shitless with her membership until she got a PT….

(Don’t even get me started on their spell checking abilities.)

“I joined XYZ Fitness and needed more excitement working out to keep me going.”

Gym websites are the best; this one offers a solution to a unique problem -do their new bodies come premade or kitset?

“If you're searching for a new body - or just a balanced life - we can get you there.”

Okay so now I’m on a roll. Check out this gym’s customer service statement, I want to know how they treat everyone else!

“As a first time member you will be treated with respect and empathy….”

Bad Mamma's Club

Just seen a lovely update on facebook, for mums to write on their status, as an indication of their love for their babies.

Now, I love my babies (now 10 and 12) more than anything. I also know the women who paste these updates are expressing something very cool and that should be celebrated.

BUT…….

Love comes in many ways and sometimes we need to celebrate and respect that not all mums have the same overwhelming joy at every moment, it doesn’t change the love they feel, it just makes it different.

Some Mums thought it was the worst thing that could have happened to be pregnant.

Some Mums take a look at their new born and go ‘oh shit!!!’.

Some Mums are unconscious when their kid is born, or have their baby whisked away before they get to meet them.

Some Mums get post natal depression and are so sad they can’t ‘love’ in the way other Mums do.

Some Mums don’t get to be with their kids 7 days a week through work and separate households or adoption and cannot spare the luxury of stressing each time their baby is away from them.

Some Mums watched their own Mums try to live up to the expectation of others and work hard every day to not fall into that trap.

Some Mums believe that to love yourself is the best way to show your kids the real meaning of love.

Some mums don’t love their kids more than life, cos without taking care of life there isn’t anytime to love your kids.

boys don't cry...

Depression is boring, even our role models are boring…… the bipolar sufferers get Kurt Cobain, the OCD’s get Joey Ramone.

We get John Kirwan.

Now I’m sure he’s a really nice guy and means well but there’s a difference between madness (as in a sexy, pale skin, dark eyeliner kind of way) and just plain madness (as in apricot with chicken kind of way) and this tips the scale towards the latter.

He’s put the cool factor of mental illness sufferers back a good few years and if I wasn’t so medicated that I can’t feel any emotion I’d be quite cross; us crazies have really only just recovered from the whole Brittany fiasco, and now this.

It’s the teenagers I feel the most sadness for. The highlight of a tortured adolescence is the knowledge that no one understands you, you know those sporty types are shallow and have the emotional IQ of, well, a rugby player.

What now for these teens?

I bet he doesn’t even know who Robert Smith is!

Dorothy Parker

I've come over all Dorothy Parker wanna be all of a sudden.
I've been thinking much about how when we are in emotionally stressful situations (not just relationship ones) we are not very good at being pithy and to the point and things are never plain and simple.
SO for you, dear reader I have created a wee note for your next relationship breakup (or perhaps, more likely, relationship breakup fantasy).

I left the house quite early,

It’s in a dreadful state

I’ve left the dishes in the sink

Something you always hate

I haven’t taken out the trash

Or recycled all the cans

The whole place needs a clean up

And I don’t give a damn

I’ve maxed up all the credit cards

And emptied the accounts

I’ll be billing you for services

….ludicrous amounts

No it’s not my usual style

I’m not being very nice

you always said I should be good

-I’m over your advice

Don’t wait up for me tonight

So I can wash your gear

Dinner won’t be waiting as

I’m leaving you my dear

advertising

I thought it was PMT but it turns out I’m just old and cynical.

I love looking at websites, seeing what images businesses offer to make us buy

We (the consumer) are presented with an image or benefit that we can have if we buy the product.

In my perfect world when an advertiser offered us a product and we didn’t identify with the image we’d let them know:

Here’s some examples to start:

Hi infomercial people, I noticed you offer a great new body for summer but your picture is of a thin woman, am I allowed to use your equipment? My partner would like to use your product too, she’s thin but brown, I don’t notice any Maori on your website, is she allowed to use it?

Hi pharmaceutical company, I like the look of your vitamins but all your images are of heterosexual couples, I’m gay, can I still take your pill or are they only for the straight community?